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The nation’s armed insurgents say Biden’s speech hurt their feelings

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling President Biden’s recent prime-time speech “deeply offensive and disturbing,” a group representing the nation’s armed insurgents has complained that the speech hurt their feelings.

The group, the National Society of Heavily Armed Insurgents, is one of the most prominent associations of insurgents and rioters in the country, experts say.

Harland Dorrinson, executive director of NSHAI, said insurgents across the country viewed Biden’s speech “in a state of deep anguish.”

“The insurrectionists felt that Biden was really targeting and harassing them,” he said. “The whole speech was extremely triggering from an insurrectionary point of view.”

Dorrinson said he hoped Biden would “choose his words more carefully” in the future and avoid saying things that might sadden America’s heavily armed insurgents.

“The media has given a very distorted view of us,” he said. “They show us relentlessly storming the Capitol, using flagpoles to break windows and smashing congressional offices. But the insurgents also have feelings.”


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