Placing the camera at the right angle, after about thirty tries, I finally got the perfect shot. All other photos that provided evidence of the inconvenient truth are promptly deleted from my phone’s photo album. Without hesitation, I immediately share the selfie on an online forum for transgender people. Knowing in my heart, from the other posts, that no matter what I shared, I would be safe from negative comments.
“You look amazing” …. “Wow, even cis men love you!”
The comments are piling up, everyone assuring me that not only do I look like a woman, but if I did transition, it would be extremely easy for me to pass as a woman.
This was in late 2013, I was 25 years old, an adult, but a vulnerable adult with high traits of autism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and substance abuse issues.
Like many, I was captured by the idea that it was less than perfect. The solution to my imperfection was to put me on a path that would lead me to an unimaginable degree of self-destruction, through irreversible surgeries that have made me a medical patient for life, dependent on synthetic hormones, as well as being under constant supervision for complications. ongoing related to deeply invasive surgery.
All this was in the name of the promised gender utopia, where we were all free to be ourselves, express ourselves without limits and celebrate our individuality in a burst of liberation and autonomy, yet at the age of 35, almost a decade after . In embarking on this deeply destructive journey, I have come to realize that this is not the gendered utopia that we were promised.
The lies live within the language, even seemingly innocuous terms like “Male to Female” (MTF) sell the certainty that one can change one’s sex through modern medical science. That’s why, even in detransition, I don’t call myself Male to Female to Male (MTFTM). The plain truth of the matter is that I was and always will be a man, and no amount of surgeries or hormones will change that reality.
Only after unplugging from social media, leaving trans online spaces, and living with the permanence of the surgery, was I able to entertain the idea that this was a terrible mistake, and that I had paid an equally terrible price.
This dream that we could be ourselves through surgery and drugs was a group psychosis, it ignored objective reality. It obfuscated the truth, and with the help of mind-aging substances and hormones, we collectively lost ourselves in this idea. Most of us were on drugs, drunk, or had some other vice that suspended this irrational belief in midair, far from grounded reality.
When that dream is shattered and you find yourself shattered into a million pieces, overwhelmed by the destruction around you, the prospect of rebuilding becomes an insurmountable task. On the sidelines, those who supported you now feel confused and somewhat betrayed. “All that was in vain?” They ask. The people who walked away and told you this was wrong mother gleefully “I told you so” and move on.
Hindsight is 20/20, it’s easy to look at any past event with a clear lens and without the motivations that dictated your judgment at the time, so I’m not criticizing myself, but I am criticizing the messages being conveyed. in my “Be yourself” they say.
Changing everything about you? Your name, appearance, friends, political opinions and even your body. What is it like to find yourself? This was one of the many contradictions that I began to see.
Growing up, I had the idea that men were tough, strong and never showed weakness. And because I was a sensitive child, who cried in the blink of an eye, happy and affectionate, I rationalized that these were all factors why I was a trans woman, not a man.
As I delved into the trans community, I found more of these stereotypes. Trans women talked about nails, dresses and painted a rather embarrassing caricature of what they thought it was to be a woman. I didn’t question the conundrum of misogyny in this train of thought, I accepted it because for many of us it was a lived-out character fantasy.
This would later evolve into men being able to wear dresses and put on makeup, but oh, now it’s non-binary! Which in itself is another contradiction, we’re telling men that they can’t wear a dress or splatter some eyeliner without being anything but a man. That is not freedom, that is not liberation, but restriction and establishment of rules.
If it were really about breaking gender stereotypes, we wouldn’t need all these labels and rules that come with them. I try not to get too lost in the craziness, but once you see it clearly, you can’t help but see the misogyny, misandry, and homophobia that abounds among modern LGBTQ activism.
Many of them are intoxicated through the false euphoria of hormones, whether it’s a young woman who takes testosterone to stop difficult and uncomfortable periods, suddenly finds herself essentially overcome by a steroid or natural antidepressant and her periods stop. She feels great, for the first few years, then the testosterone impacts start to catch up and quite severely. Many trans men are plagued with medical problems from taking hormones, and it’s visible, you can see it in their hair, face, and the slowness of their movements.
On the other hand, trans women who take estrogen will find that their serotonin levels have increased, which is a natural response to estrogen, resulting in a mild euphoric calm feeling. Imagine me, someone with high traits of autism, mental health issues, overwhelmed by the urgency of the male sex drive, and suddenly I have an outlet, an off switch. And for everyone who medicalizes, included in this tidy package, there is an online community, where all doubts are handled and we all agree, that this is the greatest thing that has ever happened, and anyone who opposes us is wrong. and even hateful.
Then add the problem of substance abuse, which is overwhelmingly prevalent among the trans community. This, along with hormones, produces a powerful cocktail that can keep even the most ferociously intelligent people anchored in this utopian fantasy.
And we haven’t even gotten to the affirmation of teachers, medical professionals, and the commercialization of LGBTQ within our media, YouTube, and social media influencers, and many other factors that fuel the utopian dream that has captured us all.
But it’s a lie, and when you remove it, you see an ugly, decaying, infected wound that’s working its way into the minds of the most vulnerable young children.
How dare they tell children, who are at the beginning of puberty, that feeling discomfort with their body is a sign that they are the wrong sex?
How dare they tell any of us that we are less than perfect and need improvement?
This is not the genre utopia we were promised, but a dystopian nightmare that would make even Orwell shudder.